Do you still have your period?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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