I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
