Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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