apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
