dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
