So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
