it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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