I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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