great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
