your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
