Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
