Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
