remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
