I cannot find my penis.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
