I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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