Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
