dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
