So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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