tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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