am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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