On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
