You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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