Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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