Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
