Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
