i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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