My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
