I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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