You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i need some magic done to my vagina
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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