i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
