You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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