I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
