just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
