Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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