Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
