I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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