I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
