my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
