Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
