did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The air taste purple.
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