that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
