I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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