Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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