We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
