I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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