she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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