i barfeds in our rink
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
