Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My dick has a subreddit
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
