I am spending my child support on dildos
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you had me at cake vodka
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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