i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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