A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
