so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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